To Write or Not….Is that the Question?

So I decided to start journaling again. This is I do not know, the umpteenth time I will have embarked on trying to create the habit in myself to do it every day, day in and day out at least 5 minutes every day!

To those who know me you have read my occasional blog talking about fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain.  I thought if I could learn to journal I might be able to blog better to you all and share this journey better. So I took a course with Mari McCarthy online “Peace Of Mind and Body 27 days of Journaling to Health & Happiness”.  It has gone a long ways toward helping me  learn a new habit of journaling finally.

Many things have come along and gotten in the way trying to prevent this from happening of course. My brain and my body have rebelled BIG TIME… Through strange diagnosis of bi-polar and sluggish thyroid to this last doctor visit erratic heart rhythms and skipped beats almost putting me in the hospital quickly diverting my attention from writing anything! To family upheavals and cold water splashes knocking or trying to put  me in my place, whatever that is, I am still struggling along here and am determined as ever to conquer these demons and learn to keep this new good habit for the rest of my productive life.

And I am learning, how much I am finding that I am now not alone in this illness now that I have my journal to talk to. I no longer have to stuff my fears, worries, and pain inside, buried, or hidden. I do not have to burden my spouse with conversations riddled with explanations of how my body hurts if I know I have somewhere to tell it to and get it off my chest and let it go. Just the act of doing that helps the pain subside some by allowing it to flow up and through me. Because I can then ground myself to the mother and feel the earths energy through my feet.

For now I will thank Mari McCarthy for helping me find my voice again and I am hoping I can keep practicing and not lose it and only grow stronger a little more every day, every day.

February 4, 2015
Another day and journaling is still happening although I can tell I will not be able to be slack in this at all. If I do not wag fingers at myself it will be too easy for me to not stay the course so I know I will need to do some digging deep down and find out why this is being such a hard task for me. What is buried down there under all those layers keeping me from the truth at the bottom? Time and journaling will only tell.

In the meantime I will make bracelets to sell and tie dye and other creations to bring laughter and lightness and light to my life and others who suffer from chronic pain and who need the uplifting of spirit in their lives to feel alive beyond the pain and suffering because there is so much more to you than that! You and I have so much to do and to give that we cannot let these chronic conditions rule our lives and stop us from living and moving and walking our paths to higher realities. Do not let this keep you down!protection bracelet single color 1IMG_9048 (2)

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Once again…

Two more days and back I go to the woods alone to quit again for the ? time.  God please let it be the last!  I don’t want to be old, sick, coughing my head off!  This Fibromyalgia has already stolen precious time from my life!  I am hoping quitting will make it easier to live with the Fibro for sure. It is such a life sucking disease.

My friends from the east coast are now home and it really was good to meet them and glad it happened.  Sad I could not manage the stress enough and let it ruin my last quit.  But the good news is I love going out alone to work on my issues.  Saves my partner from having to hear all the whining which he does not need.

I wish I had taken more time to appreciate my well body when I was younger.  It really is an amazing thing to be healthy and have your body ticking along as it was meant to.With the fibro each day is a challenge different from the last.  It gets very tiring for sure.  Not to mention all the different drugs that cause a bazillion side effects as well!

I am hoping to get back into slowly getting more physical and in March when I get Medicare I plan on going and seeing if they can do surgery to fix my foot that makes walking so difficult. Right now I cannot go very far before it kicks in to hurting too bad and swells up three times bigger up to my knee. And gardening on my 45 degree slope has been almost impossible anymore as the foot won’t tolerate the pressure distribution at that angle.

So I am going to try and take my life back from doing all these awful killer habits and then start to kick Fibromyalgia in the ass I hope!  I know once I quit again it won’t be long at all before I feel more energetic and breathing better, making walking easier too and exercise which I desperately need as my muscles are all going from not being able to move around good.

Will let you know how it goes after the fact and Blessings and soft gently hugs to you all!

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The Never Ending….

IMG_0017In mid-September I went out to the “woods” by myself to do some personal therapy and quit smoking and using alcohol to drown my feelings and hurts.  I spent 8 glorious days and felt so fantastic when I came home.  But, a day after I arrived, so did 2 folks from my husbands past from the east coast. Or I should say 1 person from his past and her husband.  I was a wreck as this was his “first love’ his teenage sweetheart and I had no clue what her agenda might  be coming out here to hang out on my island (I must interject of course it is not my island but I sure feel like it is a bunch of the time!), for 2 whole weeks with no plans except to try and connect or re-connect in person with him.  Maybe because I am the jealous type or maybe because I tend to mistrust the intentions of others often, I did not see a reason for this visit for such an extended period of time… I mean I had even sent them brochures of some of the awesome places to visit here in the NW like Rialto Beach on our wild coast and the Olympic Penninsula, but no they just came here to sit in this expensive very nice rental on my island…LOL

Well, 2/3rd of the time they are to be here has passed and honestly while it was very nice to meet her and him, I am no nearer an answer as to why just come hang out and wait to see if He or I are feeling good enough for company.  See we both are disabled, he with 46 years of type 1 diabetes and me with the Psoriatic arthritis and Fibromyalgia at the top of a long list of minor ailments trailing behind. And you guessed it, my eight days of sobriety and smoke freeness went poof, in one large puff of a cigarette up in smoke.

So here it is, again I am determined this is going to work somehow.  After they leave and about one week later I am going back to the “woods” and do some major therapy. I will quit once again and put a good 5 days under my belt before my sweetie shows up and we go off to the wild coast for 5 days together.  Hopefully the cranky part will mostly be a receding feeling so he does not have to endure the bitchiness part of the withdrawals. And I am hoping and praying to the Goddess that no major stress will tap on my shoulder for at least a little stretch so I do not have it as an excuse to ruin my efforts again.

If you read this and can just say a little prayer for me to succeed it would be so appreciated!  And when I return by Mid-November I will have a good stock of the spirit bracelets for folks to buy for themselves or as a gift for a friend or loved one. The prices are decent and affordable and the product is attractive and therapeutic to wear.  The Spirit Chakra Ghost Bead ones contain semi-precious stones that work with each of the chakra’s and Ghost Beads which Navajo legend says protects the  wearer from evil spirits and entities. Then I also have a version that has Ghost Beads and various semi-precious stones and a plainer more traditional seed bead ghost bead bracelets.

You can see pictures of some I have made in my Etsy store located at this link: and a number of photos also on my FB site at  You can copy and paste those links in your browser window to access.

Making bracelets has become the best therapeutic tool I have come up with so far to ease my chronic pain, at least on the days my hands are not too bad. And they have energy that helps any of you with chronic illnesses to receive some good energy helping to heal your pain and tortured bodies.

Thanks for listening and I hope to see you along the way!

Peace and Blessings


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Because you asked…

I wanted to emphasize here that I started writing these posts as many folks have asked me what is it like having an invisible chronic condition and fibromyalgia.  And if I am to be honest, I have to say what it really feels like, which no one really wants to hear I do not think.  Because no one, not even myself, can relate to something they either have never felt or experienced.  Wide spread pain, as they say in the commercials, is a cute phrase but really does not pin the tail on the donkey.  Fibromyalgia is oh so much more than that and then some!

Then there are all these folks you know out there who insist if you would only do ______, or quit doing ______, you would be cured or never have gotten the disease in the first place!  My goodness can you imagine the money they would make if only it were true?  A cure for fibromyalgia in their hands all this time.  And those of us who do not get better have only ourselves to blame of course.  It is so much easier for these folks to lay the blame on you than to show empathy.  To dismiss you as being in control of giving yourself pain, non-stop, never ending, not to mention all those other so much more symptoms…  It certainly makes it easier for them to not have to offer any assistance because if you would just do this or that you would be fine and able to do everything yourself.

I do apologize if this sounds a bit cynical, but I can truly attest that I have those folks, and quite a number of them as a matter of fact, in my family, in my friends and acquaintances, who are certain I could cure myself using their advice.  But here is a little something to think about, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia are suspected to be an autoimmune disease which is the activation of the body’s immune system against the body itself.  diabetes type 1, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriasis, scleroderma, and the list goes on are autoimmune diseases.  About 50 million Americans, the majority of which are women suffer from autoimmune ailments.  Can you imagine somebody telling a type 1 diabetic that if they would only ____, or never had done ______, they would be cured?

In all honesty, I can honestly say, this is the worst part of this disease.  Suffering through all those folks who think they are doing yo u a favor by judging you and blaming you for having Fibromyalgia in the first place.  I will continue to post my thoughts as I wade through life with this disease but remember to try and walk a mile in the other persons shoes before you lower the gavel.




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Messages in The Night…

Sleep?  It has become my worst nemesis.  I do not really sleep anymore and occasionally when I actually do it will last for 24 hours non-stop except bathroom breaks.  Those are the strangest times as I lose the entire day and night.

My medical person says I have Shift syndrome or something named like that.  I cannot remember the exact title.  She says because I worked Baker hours for 18 years my circadian rhythms are messed up.  Not to mention that one of the major side effects of Fibromyalgia is sleep problems.  They tell us that if we would just get normal sleep, at least 7-8 hours at night, that we would have less pain, less fog, less problems.

Great!  Now if we could just order that up on a platter and say, okay body you are now going to do that.  But wait, it is not working?  My body seems to have a mind of it’s own?  I cannot seem to make it do what I want.  My body and “I” are disconnected.  And they (medical folks) make it sound as though we are in control and we should just comply with what they tell us will in fact make us feel so much better.  And I believe they are very right. But somehow, no matter how hard I try to follow any suggestions they give me on making that happen, it isn’t happening.   Arrggghhhh!

Just take your high dose melatonin 12 hours before you want to wake up, go to sleep at the time you say you want to fall asleep, set your alarm and wake up at the time you want to wake up.  Now after a quick bathroom break, turn on your anti-blues light and sit with it shining on you for 30 minutes.  Yep that’s all there is to it!     Wrong!!!!

I take my melatonin, I fall asleep an hour or so after I take it, so all is going as planned, and then poof!  About the time I always got up to get ready for work those 18 years, I wake up.  Lets see, it is about 2 or 3 in the morning.  Yep, and guess what, I cannot fall asleep again. Usually about when the sun has rose and in an hour my husband will be getting up, and as I sit exhausted trying to will it, sleep comes.

Now he is awake and doesn’t want to wake me up because he knows I have not slept in ages, so he quietly goes about his morning. And right about the time he is ready to go take our dog for a nice long walk and run errands in town, and does any other stuff, like take his mother for a walk or shopping, I wake up.  Just in time to say goodbye. 😦

That about sums it up.  I will keep trying to make it different but at this point it feels like my life will never be normal and I might as well not make plans to do any thing in the morning with him or anyone, because I either am finally asleep for a little while or I am exhausted and cannot function normally.  Nor can I get things done here at home because I am so tired my brain is fogged, my body is stiff and sore, etc. Etc., etc., etc.

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The Fog Thickens

The fog has become increasingly difficult to navigate. During this phase I have been in lately with the pain being ever present I find the fog has gotten more intense. I did not know what the Fibro Fog really was for me until recently. But now I see it clearly.

For me there is nothing more disturbing than to have someone tell you that you had a conversation with them, but yet you do not remember it at all.  It has been happening mostly during stretches where my pain is intense and I am unable to control it. I find this strangely comforting however, because I can assign it to my fibromyalgia and not alzheimers, (I hope!)

The “I Hope” part is the most alarming of all. I have no way of knowing for certain that it isn’t Alzheimer’s only that the Fibro Fog is also a significant symptom discussed by Doctors as happening to those of us who have fibromyalgia. So it is to that I cling. In the meantime I think it best not to spend a lot of time worrying about something that I cannot control at this point. I will however, be searching for any suggestions on ways to control or limit “the fog”.

Peace and Blessings

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I Am Nothing But A Fake

Some days I feel fairly good and can bend and twist and not fall over and I do not even feel like I need extra pain medication. And then the thoughts of all I have done and all I have been roll through my awareness causing me to look at all I do not do now and since I do not hurt real bad and I can bend and twist, that is when it hits me, I am nothing but a fake!

The last visit with my healer person, I mentioned that if they could fix my foot so I could walk unimpeded and without pain they might tell me to go back to work until I am 66 or whatever, and she said Oh no, there is plenty of other stuff wrong….

And I know this is true as I live those other things most every day but when they are blissfully hiding, it is then that I am sure I am a fake.  It usually is not very long before one or more of my “issues” rears its ugly head, announcing to me in no uncertain terms, “You, my dear, are no freakin fake!”

Those times are not as frequent as would be liked by me. To have the feeling, that there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with me, I am capable of doing things just fine. But when they do happen, I embrace them later realizing what a gift a few minutes, or even hours of freedom from the constant drone of pain, a blessing of unimaginable joy…

Blessings to you all–

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